“You’d better. If you cause any more trouble, you’re paying for it when you turn back to normal,” she threatened.

Definitely way less indulgent. “I won’t,” he said contritely, ducking his head. As she turned to go, he stretched out his paws. “You have to hug me first!” Once he was back to normal, he’d never forgive himself if he passed up this opportunity.

Cuddy gave him a skeptical look.

“Wilson always does,” he said, laying it on thick. “He thinks I’m very cuddly. But maybe you don’t like me as much as Wilson does.” He sat down, doing his best to look dejected.

“Oh, fine,” she huffed, picking him up and--as House had hoped--squishing him against her chest. His button nose was right in her cleavage--unfortunately, he didn’t have the equipment to appreciate the experience fully, but the memory would serve to keep him warm for many lonely nights later on.

After a moment, she plunked him back down on the desk. “There. I hope you’re happy.”

“Ecstatic,” he answered, as lasciviously as possible, under the circumstances.

“Goodbye, House.”

#

Foreman came into the office chuckling and shaking his head. Cameron glanced up at him briefly and returned to her work. Chase, realizing he wasn’t going to stop until one of them asked what was so funny, made the supreme sacrifice. “Something funny?”

“Yeah--did either of you catch Wilson’s performance?”

Foreman obviously knew they hadn’t. “What did he do?”

“Apparently he was giving some donors a tour, but when he got to the pediatric oncology playroom, for some reason he started doing this…ventriloquist act. The oncology staff were saying he’s never done anything like it before. He must’ve been taking lessons or something.”

Chase had to hand it to Foreman--that was a pretty good story. He was sorry he’d missed it. Trying to act like he wasn’t particularly interested, he asked, “So did he have one of those dummies, with the bow tie and everything?”

“No,” Foreman said. “That was weird, too. It was a teddy bear. Its mouth didn’t move, but it was walking around the room--must’ve been radio controlled, or else some kind of robot. Toys these days sure are a lot more realistic than what we had growing up.”

“Um, yeah,” Chase said absently. The instant Foreman said “teddy bear,” Cameron had sat up straight and started jerking her head and upper body toward the door. He supposed it was some kind of a signal, unless she was having a seizure. “I’m going to go get a soda,” he announced.

“I’ll come with you,” Cameron said eagerly, confirming his suspicion. Once they were on the way to the soda machine, she continued, “So you noticed it too?”

“What?”

“The teddy bear. We caught Wilson in the lab with that teddy bear earlier in the week, and now there’s another teddy bear incident.”

Chase glanced at her. She clearly thought she was on to something. “Obviously, it was the teddy bear he’s using for his act. He lied about it being for House because he didn’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“Then why did he take all those samples from it?”

That was a good question. Chase studied the soda choices to give himself some time to think. Plunking some coins into the slot and selecting Sprite, he said, “Maybe he was testing it for allergens, or something. He wouldn’t want to bring in anything that could hurt the kids.”

Cameron absorbed that. “I still think it has something to do with House.”

He shrugged. They’d recently had a difference of opinion over House’s mysterious illness. After their visit had turned up nothing, Cameron wanted to go back during the day, when Wilson wouldn’t be there to run interference. “We can use the spare key and let ourselves in,” she’d said. “That way, if he’s sleeping we can have a look around until he wakes up.” Chase had pointed out that House was unlikely to be very happy about that, but Cameron had just said, “We’ll take some more soup or something, so we have a good reason to be there.”

As much as he wanted to keep Cameron happy, Chase had to say no. “I’ll be the one whose life he makes miserable after he catches us,” he’d pointed out. “If you think you can get away with it, go by yourself.”

But, for some reason, she didn’t. But she had brought the idea up again just about every day that week. Chase had stood firm.

Now, Cameron said, “I think we should go look in--”

“I said no.”

She gave him a withering look. “Wilson’s office. Before he gets back from the tour.”

That didn’t seem like a particularly good idea either, but at least it wasn’t House’s apartment. “Well….”

Moments later, he was helping Cameron over the barrier between House’s balcony and Wilson’s. “What are we going to say if he catches us in there?”

“House called us and asked for…something.”

Maybe he’d just run for it, and let Cameron do the talking.

#

After Cuddy left, House wandered around on the desktop for a while before deciding to personalize Wilson’s blotter again. He’d gotten a new one, right after House had taken the trouble to decorate his old one. Ingrate. He filled in some of the same appointments, and then decided to pencil Wilson in for a zombie invasion week after next.

He was sitting with his back to the glass balcony door, so the first he knew of anything amiss was when he heard the blinds rustle. Turning around, what he saw made him drop the pencil. Cameron and Chase were staging an invasion of their own!

There was no time to escape, so he played dead.

Later, he’d feel that perhaps flopping over backwards and clutching at his chest had been a tactical error.

“Here’s the bear,” Chase had said, picking him up.

“Yeah, I see.” Cameron looked around the office. “It doesn’t have any robotics in it, does it?”

Chase gave him an experimental squish. “No. Maybe it’s not the one from the ventriloquist act.”

“How many teddy bears do you think Wilson has?”

“At least two. There’s one behind you on the hutch.”

Cameron picked up Dr. Bear and gave him a squish. “Nothing in him, either. Just stuffing.”

“I don’t think this one’s a regular puppet, either,” Chase continued, turning him over and examining his rear end. “Unless there’s an opening under its trousers.”

When Chase made as if to check, House decided he’d had enough. “Okay, knock it off!” he growled.

The effect was immediate. Chase froze, his eyes darting nervously from side to side, while Cameron brought her hands up to her face and squealed.

Taking advantage of Chase’s distraction, House wriggled out of his grip and plopped back onto the desk.

“Did you hear that?” Chase asked faintly.

“Of course I heard it.” Cameron forced her hands down and straightened her lab coat.

“It sounded kind of like….” He didn’t finish his thought.

“I must not be giving you enough work to do, if you have time to snoop around in other people’s offices,” House said querulously.

“It really does,” Cameron said.

“That’s because it is me, you morons.”

“It even has his personality. What do you think it is, a sound chip that spits out random phrases?” Chase asked.

“I’m not an it.”

“Maybe it’s like that computer program that was supposed to be a psychiatrist--it picked words out of what you typed in to give answers that seemed to make sense,” Cameron suggested. “Did you ever play with that?”

“Yeah--it was called…Eliza, wasn’t it? I can’t remember if she had a last name.”

“I want to say Eliza Doolittle, but I don’t think that’s right.”

“The name of the computer program is not important!” House shouted.

“It’s really good, isn’t it?” Cameron said admiringly.

#

“Nuclear imaging is one of our most important diagnostic tools, so we hope to add a dedicated unit just for the Oncology patients,” Wilson finished. “Is there anything else you’d like to see?” he added as he guided the Hamilton-Crosses back to the lobby.

“I think we’ve seen everything,” Mrs. Hamilton-Cross said, a hint of disapproval in her tone. She hadn’t said anything to him about House’s performance, but had been decidedly chilly toward him ever since.

“Great. I’ll just take you to Dean Cuddy’s office, so if you have any more questions….” He trailed off. He was--when House didn’t interfere--fairly good with donors, but had no idea how to get them to actually take out their checkbooks, so he always took them back to Cuddy to close the deal.

If there still was a donation to be had, after House forced him to act like a jackass in front of them.

“Well, I liked your show with the little bear,” Mr. Hamilton-Cross said, with a look at his wife. “It’s nice to see a man in your position who doesn’t take himself too seriously.”

“Thanks,” Wilson said. With House in his life, taking himself too seriously was one problem he’d never have.

Cuddy met them at the entrance to her office. “Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton-Cross, Jared, it’s so nice to see you. Did Dr. Wilson show you everything you wanted to see?”

Wilson took his leave, and hurried back to his office. There was no telling what House had had time to do while Wilson was trooping all over the hospital.

What he saw when he got there was worse than he had expected. House was standing on his desk, having a conversation with Chase and Cameron. “For God’s sake, House, why did you make me lie to them all week if you were just going to tell them all about it?”

Chase and Cameron both turned to look at him. “Wilson?”

“What are you guys doing here?” He squeezed between them to check on House. He was up to his old tricks with the blotter, but that was a relatively small price to pay.

“They think I’m a toy,” House said.

“Oh.” In that case, he should have kept his mouth shut. “Well, guys, I have some work to do, so why don’t you--”

“Wilson,” Cameron said gently.

“What?”

“Do you think that isn’t a toy?” she asked.

“It’s…complicated.”

Chase and Cameron exchanged looks. Apparently, Chase was tapped to continue, because he said, “Uh, maybe you should…talk to someone. Cameron could stay with you, while I--”

“Or Chase could stay with you, while I--”

“Find somebody you can talk with.”

Wilson sighed. “House, tell them I’m not crazy.”

“Why should I do it? Are they going to believe the talking teddy bear?”

“Maybe more than they believe the delusional oncologist.”

“You know,” House said musingly, “there’s a neurological symptom--the Syndrome of Delusional Companions--where someone believes that inanimate objects are actually thinking beings.”

“It sometimes turns up in Alzheimer’s patients,” Chase chipped in.

“Yeah, but I don’t have it,” Wilson said.

“If you did, you wouldn’t know,” House pointed out.

“Cuddy saw you.”

“Did she?” House challenged him.

Wilson hesitated for just a moment--Cuddy had thought he was crazy for a moment. Had she really been convinced otherwise? Or--Wilson made himself stop that train of thought. “I hate you.”

Chase was scratching his head. “You know…I think that’s House. If it’s not, it’s a really mean teddy.”

House threw his paws up in the air. “Thank you.”

Cameron shook her head. “So if that’s really House…how….?”

House explained about his date with the vegan witch, with Wilson occasionally chipping in with explanations of what they’d tried to far to help.

“We’re supposed to believe House was the victim of a magic spell?” Cameron asked skeptically.

“If you believe that Teddy is House, I think you have to,” Chase pointed out. “It’s a little easier to believe than that he somehow got turned into a soft toy without a magic spell.”

“Thanks,” House said, and continued his tale.

Once they’d finished, Chase asked, “So what do we do now?”

“Yes, how can we help?” Cameron added.

“Nothing,” House answered. “Wilson, I want more muffins.”

 On to chapter 16!